This post is quite different to the other ones I’ve created, it’s more personal. Honestly, this is because one night I was extremely in my feelings and started writing. Now if you are anything like me and constantly bottle your feelings up, I really hope you get something out of this. The post has permitted to acknowledge a lot about myself and the changes that need to be made. So here we go.
It is currently 01:47 am and I feel like all I can do at the moment is write. Write about what’s on my mind and what is honestly troubling me.
I’ve always known that I’ve had really bad trust issues but to see it unfold at the moment is quite upsetting. Honestly I do not want to be like this all the time. I want to be able to put trust my in people without the fear of them breaking it. It takes a lot for me to get close to someone. I can be talking to people, getting to know them but when it comes to me opening up about my feelings, I chicken out immediately. All that may be said on my part will be very brief. It has become clear that it’s something I have troubles with. I just can’t do it. It is very important for me to know how much I can trust you before getting close to you and tell you things about myself. I don’t like to talk about my feelings or what’s on my mind.
Evidently this is due to events that have occurred in the past but don’t get me wrong I have always been a private person. I’m never one to talk about my problem to others whatsoever. I bottle everything up. Whether I like it or not, I just can’t stop it. I do not like smothering others with my issues especially if I feel as if I can handle it all alone. I’ve done it before so why not do it again right? Well wrong. This really isn’t healthy at all! I’ve found myself crying alone, making sure my cries are never heard. Even writing this right now is killing me. I don’t know whether or not I will actually post this but I find that writing about my issues help. It wasn’t purposely planned for me to be writing this as a post but best believe it feels right at the moment. Lorrrddd i even downloaded a secret diary app just so I can write about my feelings lol but it just didn’t feel right. I’m sure I have rambled on for a while now but let me just say this, yes there are some people I can trust. I just personally can’t bring myself to message them and talk about my dilemmas. It is extremely hard.
I’ve learnt that as a Leo, I tend to always appear fine and have a smile on my face regardless of how I’m feeling. The fear of being judged gets to best of me and this needs to stop! It’s alright to talk to others about my problems, it’s normal. I am human after all right? So from now on this is something I will be strongly working on.