BOTTLING IT ALL IN + NEVER OPENING UP.

I’ve never really done a post like this one before, and I must admit, it is challenge for me. I struggle with letting people in, opening up and just being honest about what it is I’m going through. It seems like no matter what issues or emotions I may be experiencing, whether I’ve reached my ultimate peak or not, one will never really know. Why? This is something I’ve been asking myself for a very long time, until someone close to me opened my eyes and made me realise why I am the way I am.

Clearly, everyone has their own struggles. We’ve all got our own demons, problems and insecurities, but we deal with these differently. Like I previously mentioned, I am notorious for bottling things up. Some individuals are comfortable talking to others regarding their issues, however others struggle doing so.  Personally, I always and still do (not going to lie) feel like some sort of burden when reaching to others regarding my personal life. I’ve always been that girl who thought she was strong enough to deal with whatever obstacles she may face. The girl who should be able to deal with her own issues without asking for help or advice from others. The girl whose problems aren’t even that important compared to others, so why not just suck it up and deal with it herself? But let me tell you something, this is not the type of mentality one should have and I’m happy to have finally come to terms with this.

Bottling it all up especially for a long period of time can become very damaging, overbearing and lonely. A feeling one should not constantly experience. I can’t believe I’m about to say this but as I finally let everything out one day, I just started bawlinggg! Bare in mind, I hate crying too. However, as I was doing so, I realised a couple of things.

  1. I immediately felt free, almost like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my shoulders.
  2. Crying has always felt like some sort of weakness to me. It shouldn’t and definitely is not.
  3. I am surrounded by family and friends who care and love me. Individuals who are here for me the same way I am here for them.

Yes, opening up remains a challenge for me but is something I’m proudly still working on.

Now, if you encounter similar characteristics, find it extremely difficult to talk to someone about your problems then I will say this, write everything down. I repeat, write all your thoughts and emotions down, whether it is in your diary or blog. It’s something I started doing a while ago and I must say, I wish I did it way earlier. Even more, praying and talking to God also helps. As you’re letting it all out, don’t be afraid to ask him for guidance and strength to overcome your issues. He never lets his children down.

But if that doesn’t work for you, then please try to always remember,

“just because people have bigger problems than me, it does not mean mine is irrelevant”

or any less important. We deal with our issues in various manners and that’s okay. Things like this take time, just never forget to put yourself first …

AND TO ALWAYS LOVE YOURSELF, NO MATTER WHAT.

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01.47 am thoughts.

 

This post is quite different to the other ones I’ve created, it’s more personal. Honestly, this is because one night I was extremely in my feelings and started writing. Now if you are anything like me and constantly bottle your feelings up, I really hope you get something out of this. The post has permitted to acknowledge a lot about myself and the changes that need to be made. So here we go.

_____________________

It is currently 01:47 am and I feel like all I can do at the moment is write. Write about what’s on my mind and what is honestly troubling me.

I’ve always known that I’ve had really bad trust issues but to see it unfold at the moment is quite upsetting. Honestly I do not want to be like this all the time. I want to be able to put trust my in people without the fear of them breaking it. It takes a lot for me to get close to someone. I can be talking to people, getting to know them but when it comes to me opening up about my feelings, I chicken out immediately. All that may be said on my part will be very brief. It has become clear that it’s something I have troubles with. I just can’t do it. It is very important for me to know how much I can trust you before getting close to you and tell you things about myself. I don’t like to talk about my feelings or what’s on my mind.

Evidently this is due to events that have occurred in the past but don’t get me wrong I have always been a private person. I’m never one to talk about my problem to others whatsoever. I bottle everything up. Whether I like it or not, I just can’t stop it. I do not like smothering others with my issues especially if I feel as if I can handle it all alone. I’ve done it before so why not do it again right? Well wrong. This really isn’t healthy at all! I’ve found myself crying alone, making sure my cries are never heard. Even writing this right now is killing me. I don’t know whether or not I will actually post this but I find that writing about my issues help. It wasn’t purposely planned for me to be writing this as a post but best believe it feels right at the moment. Lorrrddd i even downloaded a secret diary app just so I can write about my feelings lol but it just didn’t feel right. I’m sure I have rambled on for a while now but let me just say this, yes there are some people I can trust. I just personally can’t bring myself to message them and talk about my dilemmas. It is extremely hard.

I’ve learnt that as a Leo, I tend to always appear fine and have a smile on my face regardless of how I’m feeling. The fear of being judged gets to best of me and this needs to stop! It’s alright to talk to others about my problems, it’s normal. I am human after all right? So from now on this is something I will be strongly working on.